The Mama Martyr Myth is a tale that is near and dear to my heart. As a people pleaser, I easily fall prey to wanting to be everything to everyone. This is especially true when my own three dear children are involved. While it’s certainly human (and elephantine) behavior to want to protect, nurture, and defend our young, it’s easy to allow our maternal instincts to live in overdrive.
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What is the Mama Martyr Myth?
I explored the mama martyr myth when I wrote about the Female Achievement Triad. I wish I could say that I am newly reformed and living a life of carefree bliss and detachment. But that’s so far from the truth it hurts.
As someone who works with women on behavior change issues, I hear similar stories from mama martyrs.
There are three common themes in the mama martyr myth:
- I must do everything myself.
- Perfection is the only option.
- My presence is paramount to my parenting.
Let’s take a closer look.
I must do everything myself!
If you fall into the trap of the mama martyr myth, is it because you feel you have to do everything yourself? In some cases, this can be related to the Female Achievement Triad control issue. You know: “No one does it as well as I do, so I’ll just do it myself!”
But for a lot of women, it may not even be about the desire for control. Rather, it is for the seemingly simple reason that we don’t want to be seen as *needing* help. It’s as if we somehow believe that our competency in being a contributing member to society is being judged by just how much we can handle. Asking for help is seen by mama martyrs as a sign of weakness.
The reality is, society is based on different people contributing different skills and assets. Furthermore, to ask for—and receive—help can be a gift. It allows someone else to fulfill their role as a contributing member of society. Honoring your human bandwidth is a beautiful act of self-care.
Ask yourself this: Are you the first person to volunteer to help out when someone asks, but you rarely ask for help yourself because you don’t want to be needy?
(I’m raising my hand here.)
If you’re nodding YES, welcome to the mama martyr club.
Perfection is the only option
Now, I’m a crafty person. I love Pinterest as much as the next gal. But I think we can all agree that it has put the pedal to the metal on fueling the idea that perfection is the only option.
When we are surrounded by others who are seemingly so perfect—thanks a lot, social media— we fuel our own inadequacies. Even when we stop to recognize that we might not be getting the full story, it’s hard to shift attention away from what looks so shiny and perfect.
And then we feel the pressure to present our perfect selves, too.
Whether you are worried about what your kids wear, how clean your house is, or how successful you are at work, perfectionism is a key belief of the mama martyr.
Ask yourself this: What if everything really was perfect? Would you actually feel better? What do you think that would feel like?
I think that for most of us mama martyrs, when we stop ourselves get honest, perfectionism is simply a human version of a dog chasing its tail. That is to say, the reality isn’t very satisfying.
My Presence is Paramount to my Parenting
You know that feeling you get when you realize you a have a conflict with your kid’s soccer game? (If you’re nodding along and breathing a sigh of relief, you get a pass on the mama martyr myth for this one. Go you!)
Or have you ever moved appointments, creating a headache for both you and the other person, just so you can see a one-minute piano recital?
I have. Many, many times.
But I’ve recently come to understand something. Yes, my presence is absolutely paramount to my parenting. But it is not these big events at which I must always and forevermore be present.
Sure, my kids would love it if I never missed a soccer game, piano recital, school performance, or “graduation.” However, that’s not reality. There are times when I have a conflict, and I just can’t be there.
Rather than wallowing in a pool of mama guilt, I choose to use these times to explain to my kids that I am an individual with needs and wants, too. And while the bulk of my life is arranged to give them a pretty darn fantastic childhood filled with excellent education, sports teams and music lessons. There are all kinds of activities that have me driving them around from pre-dawn to post-dusk. But there are also times my life must come first.
And that’s okay. Even more, it’s nothing to feel guilty about.
Similarly, I have a colleague I admire who admitted that she refuses to take her young child to other kids’ birthday parties. That has become dad and lad time. At first I thought it was a bit callous to dismiss this rite of childhood completely. Then I recognized that my colleague is simply prioritizing how she wants to spend time and be present with her son.
Ask yourself this: What kind of example am I setting for my children if I am always available for their every activity, even when it means denying myself something that would be personally or professionally fulfilling?
Make sure that you have time for your own goals. Do your obligations and activities appear on your calendar, or is it just a MomAgenda?
And so, mama martyrs, I urge you to lay your mantle down. Put your feet up. Have a cup of tea. And go on and do the best job you can do—no judgement from me.
