My middle kid, O, is a delight. He’s sensitive but tough as nails. He’s an outstanding soccer player and an accomplished saxophonist. He does well in school, and his chubby dimpled cheeks and big brown eyes are almost always smiling. And even as a middle schooler, he’ll still hold my hand walking through the grocery store. What more could a mom ask for?

Apparently, I also need self-care lessons from my 12-year-old son.

O’s school is fielding a cross-country team for the first time. Unsurprisingly, he wanted to join. I’ve got to admit he’d be great at it. He set the 6^th grade school record in the one-mile last year. And as a lifelong runner myself, I would love to watch him run.

We spent two days talking through the logistics of running cross-country. Practices are at 6:45am, which would mean packing toiletries and a change of clothes and breakfast as well as his schoolwork. He would also need to figure out where and how he could secure his saxophone. And, of course, all of his homework would need to be done before he went to bed.

We also discussed that he made a commitment to his soccer team, so if there was a conflict between a cross-country meet and a soccer match, soccer would be the priority. It would also mean that on Mondays, he’d go to school at 6:45 to run, be in class until 4, have jazz band sectionals until 5, then go straight to soccer from 5:30-7.

He was still keen to run. I told him I’d support his decision, but I wanted him to understand that his school work, saxophone practice, and soccer skills couldn’t slide. He nodded in agreement.

After the first day of school when O was a bit tired (and he didn’t have either jazz band or soccer), he came out of his room and said: “Mom, I’ve decided not to run cross-country. I think it’s just too much.”

I told him I agreed with him. We talked a bit about how hard it is to make choices when everything sounds interesting. I told him I still struggle with this! I’m terrible at saying no when things sound fun, even if I have a full calendar of other wonderful options.

And then I complimented him on recognizing his boundaries. Again, I admitted that I have trouble acknowledging my limitations, even when I know that honoring my boundaries is a way to respect myself.

I encouraged him to take a moment to really feel how he felt in his body right now. “Calm,” he replied.

As the new academic year starts, let us all take a moment to check in with ourselves. If we’re not feeling as calm or contented as we’d like to be, what can change? What can we say “no” to that will help us get there? Who can we ask for help so we’re not juggling alone?

Real self-care and good health starts with listening to ourselves. I’m grateful for the self-care lessons from my 12-year-old son. Thank you, O.

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