Years ago, when my husband and I were expecting our first child (who is now in high school), we decided that I would be the primary parent.

Let me be clear: there was absolutely nothing pejorative about this term.

We were living abroad, and I didn’t have a work permit. I also really wanted to nurse my baby and be his primary caregiver. At the time, it was a lovely life, and our family of three was quite content. The mental workload of being a full time mom was absolutely something I could shoulder.

Fast forward to now. We now have three kids: one in high school, one in middle school, and one in elementary school. Both my husband and I own our own businesses. I am still the primary parent.

It’s a familiar tale, right?

My mental workload has become much greater. I shoulder not only my life and one kid, but three kids and family activities, too. Raise your hand if you’re with me, Sister.

The mental workload women carry is not just all in your head– it’s real, and it’s killing us.

Studies show that women do three times the housework that men do. That’s a visible inequity of labor.

This set up is known as “The Second Shift” , a nod to the fact that when women come home from their day job, they begin the night shift of household duties. It’s true that even though women are in the paid workforce at higher-than-ever rates, the bulk of childcare and domestic duties are still theirs.

But that’s not all…

There are also all of the less visible tasks that also usually fall to women– those invisible jobs that have to get done, but if you’re not the one doing them you may not even know they are happening.

Birthday parties. Registration dates for piano lessons and ice skating classes. Dentist appointments. Annual well checks. PTA lunches for teachers. Keeping track of which friend is currently persona non grata.

All of these tasks are well-suited to women, whose higher levels of estrogen make them natural at tending and nurturing young humans. But just because it comes easy (or easier) to us doesn’t mean we need to be doing all of the invisible, but very emotionally-consuming, work.

Once we understand the mental workload that women carry, it’s much easier to understand how exhausting it all can be.

Let’s face it: none of us wants to play in to the Mama Martyr Myth. We know that we are better than that. We know that we want to model a different face of motherhood for our children.

But the reality is, we all have a certain amount of bandwidth. And if my bandwidth is being taken up by the minutiae of logistics for three other people—plus family functions—that’s a lot of bandwidth!

Many husbands are certainly participatory in kids’ lives in a way that men weren’t a generation ago. Both dads and kids benefit from the active fatherly presence in the kids’ lives. But without an equitable division of labor at home, women are left to shoulder far more of the mental workload than men do.

But for women who are juggling work, raising children, aging parents, and managing the symptoms of perimenopause, the mental load can be crushing.

How does the mental workload from juggling responsibilities affect midlife women?

First of all, as estrogen levels decline in perimenopause (which can start as early as 40!), women have less and less of a biological urge to tend and nurture. This means we must rely more on our brain and logic to help keep us calm when we’re dealing with science fair projects, teaching kids to drive, and folding the laundry that no one else seems to have noticed.

So if you feel it getting harder to keep your cool around the people you love the most, know that your biology is partly responsible!

Most of the unpleasant symptoms of perimenopause and menopause (do you know the difference?) are rooted in hormone imbalance. This is not surprising, given that hormone fluctuations are the hallmark of perimenopause and the cause of menopause.

The problem lies in the fact that the mental workload women carry creates an unhealthy amount of stress in the body. To deal with this high level of stress, the body pumps up its production of cortisol. Increased levels of cortisol are what fuel midlife weight gain (particularly around the belly), higher anxiety, and brain fog.

Finding stress relief in perimenopause is key to keeping unpleasant symptoms at bay. Meditation in menopause has been scientifically proven to help combat rising levels of cortisol. Finding strategies of self-care that sculpt your life into a better supported web of community can help on a day-to-day basis.

Bookmark these 8 No-Excuses Acts of Self-Care for the next time you feel the mental workload pressing down on you. They only take a few minutes, but they can make you feel so much better!

Is there any hope of shedding some of the mental workload so we can feel better?

It is futile to try to address the stress that exacerbates the unpleasant symptoms of menopause without acknowledging the mental workload.

When we learn strategies to decrease the mental load, we can begin to develop systems of meaningful self-care. One such strategy is educating ourselves about the realities of perimenopause and the role stress plays in how we weather the storm.

There are loads of books about menopause out there. How do you know which one to choose? Check out my 11 Favorite Menopause Books for short reviews.

Arm yourself with education and become an empowered body-wise woman.